Coming Out To Your Partner

Closet Confidential: Coming Out as a Crossdresser to My Partner

Dear Ask Me Anything,

I’m writing to you because I’m struggling with a secret I’ve been keeping from my partner, Sarah, for a long time now. I’m a man, and I enjoy crossdressing. It’s something I find personally comforting and enjoyable, but I’ve been terrified to share it with her. I’m worried about her reaction. Will she be disgusted? Will she leave me? I love her deeply and the thought of losing her is devastating. How do I even begin to have this conversation?

Sincerely, Closeted in Comfort

Dear Closeted in Comfort,

First of all, thank you for your bravery in writing to us. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge and confront a fear like this. It's completely understandable that you're feeling anxious and uncertain about how Sarah will react. Your feelings are valid, and you're certainly not alone in this.

Let’s break this down. Telling your partner about something deeply personal like crossdressing is a significant step, and it’s important to approach it with care and consideration. Here’s some advice to help you navigate this:

1. Self-Reflection and Understanding:

Why is crossdressing important to you? Before speaking with Sarah, take some time to understand your own feelings about it. Is it a sexual thing, a comfort thing, an expression of identity, or something else entirely? Being clear with yourself will help you explain it more effectively to her.

What are your expectations? Consider what you hope to achieve by telling her. Do you want her acceptance? Do you want to be able to crossdress openly at home? Knowing your desired outcome will help guide the conversation.

Manage your own anxiety. Do your best to ground yourself and find healthy ways to cope with your anxiety. Mindfulness exercises, deep breathing, or talking with a close friend can help.

2. Planning the Conversation:

Choose the right time and place. Don’t spring this on her during a stressful week or in the middle of an argument. Choose a time when you can both relax and talk without distractions. A private setting where you both feel safe is ideal.

Practice what you want to say. Having a few key phrases in mind can help you stay on track and communicate your feelings clearly. But don’t over-rehearse - you want to sound genuine and authentic.

Consider starting with vulnerability. Begin by expressing how much you care for her and how important honesty is to you. Let her know you've been wanting to share something significant, but have been scared to do so.

3. Having the Talk:

Be clear and honest. Explain what crossdressing means to you. Avoid jargon or technical terms she might not understand. Be straightforward but gentle.

Focus on your feelings, not hers. Use "I" statements like, "I feel comfortable when I crossdress" or "I find it helps me relax". Avoid saying things like, "You'll probably think this is weird." Instead, focus on expressing your personal experience.

Be prepared for questions and reactions. Sarah may have a lot of questions, and she might need time to process. Be patient, answer honestly, and don't get defensive. Be open to hearing her feelings and concerns, even if they’re not what you want to hear. It's completely normal for her to have many questions and feelings that may be new to her.

Reassure her. Let her know that your feelings for her haven’t changed, and that crossdressing isn’t about her. Emphasize that this is a part of you, and that sharing it with her is about wanting to be open and honest in the relationship.

Don’t minimize your feelings or her reaction. Acknowledge that it's a big deal for both of you. It’s okay for both of you to have feelings, and to need time to process.

4. Moving Forward:

Be patient and understanding. This is a process, not a one-time conversation. She may need time to adjust and learn more. Don't rush her.

Offer her resources. There are many online resources and communities that can provide information and support about crossdressing. If she is willing, finding some together might be a helpful way to open the conversation up further.

Be open to compromise. If Sarah isn't immediately comfortable, finding compromises that work for both of you is important. Maybe you don't crossdress around her immediately, or you start with something small.

Consider a therapist. If you both feel overwhelmed or are struggling to communicate, a therapist can provide a safe and neutral space to navigate these feelings and help you develop healthy communication strategies.

Important Note: There's always a chance that Sarah might not react the way you hope. While it's crucial to be hopeful, it's also necessary to be prepared for that possibility. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who accepts and respects all parts of you.

Closeted in Comfort, sharing your truth with Sarah is a big step. It takes courage. However, it also opens the door to greater intimacy and understanding in your relationship. Be honest, be patient, and most of all, be true to yourself. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Ask Me Anything